Rest relax and feel into your own centre and what feels true for you..
Lets start with going back all the way along the years of your timeline to the moment of your birth. You are the purest, most divine blessed being in a little body of wonder beauty. Your eyes awaken to the wonder of this world. In innocence you see through the eyes of purity oneness and love.
From the moment of your birth you begin to embark on a journey of great discovery, challenges, learning through emotions, experiences and many lessons. The parents you chose to look after you look down at you in wonder and realise the incredible existence of being able to create such beauty.
This moment no matter what walk of life we come from is still combined with many emotions that you begin to carry from the ones that brought you into the world. You begin to be shaped by the feelings of what your parents feel about themselves and the world around them. Some may be loving and kind, others may be not so supportive to your own development. And that is okay as they only know what they have found within themselves and you remember now that they have been but a blessed baby too with parents that carried mixed emotions too.
As you grow, you watch the world around you. You are intrigued by what you can see and take it all in like a sponge to water. You soak all the words up around you, all the feelings of what your parents and other family members say to you. You begin to make an assumption of who you are based on what they say and their own limitations and expectations of what they think.
Your self identity begins to take shape around what your school friends say about you too. You may be picked on or bullied and also take on now what you have been told is wrong about you. You listen to the names of hurtful words and start to build an image of what you think about yourself.
As you move on through your early school years, teachers too play a part of shaping your identity to define you based on comparison of your school friends. You are growing your self identity within you based upon all the thoughts of others.
Remember the baby you were born as…a pure innocent sweet being full of excitement and intrigue at the world around you.
As the years go on and your identity of self grows, you begin to take in what the television says about you, what the community around you says you are suppose to be. You absorb all the subliminal messages of consumerism too. These are based on emotional ties and attempting to create a reaction within you. You must need this. You will look better with that. You will have more friends if you buy this and you will be loved if you look like that.
The list goes on and on. You forget who you were born to be, as the layers of programs are built on top of you. Your behaviour, actions and thoughts take on a life of their own as you perform for the people around you and what they expect you to be. You have already learnt to conform and keep playing for love. You only wish to feel loved and accepted and search for this by behaving how the world tells you to be.
Workplaces pile on more layers of how you need to perform in order to earn money to survive in this world. You play the part down to a tea. Sometimes you feel a stirring of not being honest with yourself or pleasing others at your own detriment but it is too hard you feel to change when you have been doing this all your life. It feels more comfortable to stay with what you know rather than change. You have also been led to believe in false fear if you do not conform that you will be unloved, unwanted and different but once again this has been done by people that have been conditioned too. So you feel love and understanding for them as they knew no other way too.
Intimate relationships start to give you false love. If you do this, I will love you. You must do this right and that in order to be loved. You start to loose yourself even more under the piles of emotional debris.
Emotions through experiences give you many more layers to hang on to. Mostly these are stored within the body and create diseases and illnesses as you attempt to hold onto the load. The thoughts in your head of words of others generally parents are often repeated over and over again. You may run away from hard confrontations, or situations that feel as if you cannot be understood. You search for answers about who you truly are. But your head has a hold on your thoughts and you cannot find the answers. You may feel different as you explore.
Walls go up, to defend yourself as you learn heartbreak, what feels as loss of love and feelings then of not being good enough. You learn to protect yourself, you naturally build gates and hesitations to fend off people getting too close. In some way, you feel it is best to protect yourself. The pain of heartbreak is not wanted again.
In some way, you feel that you are building this barrier to look after yourself. But you also start feeling caged. Maybe you catch a glimpse of what you have to preserve, your heart feels raw and you wish to look after it yourself. You may start to notice the distance you feel with others, the differences you feel, the comparisons of how happy others look in their relationships. Maybe you open your heart again, but you notice it feels painful. So you may push back from getting close to people or hold back from being open to love. Noone may notice you doing this expect you. On the surface, you give and take as much as feels safe, yet you know its not what you really feel. You feel yourself holding back from life, from truly being you. You catch glimpses of your wisdom trying to show you, how you really feel.
As you continue on, living in surface persistance at just making do with ‘fitting in’ with your family, friends, work collegues and anyone else that comes your way. You give just enough to appease, gain approval and a sense of love through what you need to do to receive it.
You are touched with death, a loved one or someone you know dies and you feel your own immortality and begin to question, who you are? Who are we all? Is there life after death? What is the point of it all? During the darkness of loss, you question more, wish for more, want to be more, yet you wonder what its all for? What is your purpose?
You know theres more to you. Theres got to be. You start to question quietly in your head. Thoughts of who am I, what am I doing here. There must be more than this. Tears fall. You feel a failure, a fraud, a lack of who you really are and what you want to do. You see that you are pleasing others, its comfortable that way. They love you that way.
Sensing a deeper knowing, you begin to stir as you know that you are lying to yourself. You feel hurt by the past, uneasy about trying to fit in and are lost in what you need to be approved for.
You are awakening to you. It’s easier to just keep going with what you know and you’re comfortable that way. Too painful and scary to try something else. So you keep the status quo in check. You may forget or ignore the moments of your questioning about who you are.
Sometimes you glimpse again, mostly at night when you are alone with your thoughts and feelings, that you are not really being true. That your life has been directed by what others expect of you, need you to be.
You realise you are not stopping others from getting closer to you, but you have caged yourself. THis time, you can’t hide it. You are over the thoughts, over the facades. This time, you take charge. This time, you tell yourself to stop. Stop. You hold the feeling. You are present with it. You stop. Tears fall, yet something inside you stirs greater. You feel a burning in you. A smouldering strength, yet an anger too.
Its like the world has stopped around you. You are just with yourself. You notice and allow this wisdom to be witnessed. Crying in release of what you have built yourself in. Defined yourself to be. Identities of what you thought yourself to be. Pleasing others to fit in.
Feeling consumed by the burdens of your thoughts. You feel broken, like a quaking, quivering of your heart to break free through shattering the illusions built upon you.
You scream inside to break free.
Sobbing, you feel held.
You feel a comforting love in the feeling of the burn in you.
You pick yourself up.
You are stronger now.
You are now the brave.
Feeling clearer, lighter, you don’t question, you just feel a greater sense of peace in some way.
Like you’ve been through a cleanse. Feeling more at ease, you realise that you did this to you.
The release is felt in pleasureable pausing in peace. YOu don’t question. Yet a slight knowing in a gentle smile within, feels you have now met, YOU.
With renewed feelings of clarity you continue on.
But now, you have seen the true. You recall quietly the smoulder inside you. You know it is yours. It was ignited by you. You are your own explorer and wisdom of the journey of your own life. That this is you.
You meet it again.
Each time, you feel more of the burn. More of the wisdom of what you can do for yourself. Like a guidance that has been opened to free yourself up more. It’s calling you further to always know you are not alone, you are the flame, you are the master of you.
You sense now the flames.
The fire of you.
Sariah Sistar
Sariah Sistar 